- Baby nail salons where qualified, competent professionals trim and file my infant’s razor-sharp, impossibly tiny nails while I put my feet up and drink a cup of tea.
- A Black Mirror-style countdown clock that appears above my baby’s head every time he falls asleep showing how long until he will wake up again. Ten seconds? Don’t bother to put him down. Ten minutes? Use the bathroom and have a drink of water. Two hours? Take a nap and run a load of laundry. Six hours? Go to bed. Eight and a half? Drink a glass of wine and then go to bed.
- Postpartum nurses who come to my home twice daily after I am discharged from the hospital to check on my health, refill my giant water bottle, move various objects to within arm’s reach, and drop off a breakfast burrito in the morning and warm chocolate chip cookies in the afternoon.
- Everyone who utters the phrase “breast is best,” “have you considered babywearing,” or “enjoy every minute, they grow up so fast” to a new mother is immediately legally obligated to take care of her baby for the next twelve hours.
- Paid maternity leave, free, high-quality universal day care, meaningful efforts to address rising maternal mortality rates, research into ways to combat perinatal mood disorders, and a federal $15 minimum wage so 21% of US children no longer live below the poverty line. Because you do care about the children, right?