More women than ever, Marie Claire reports, regret becoming mothers.
“It's unthinkable, and it's definitely unspeakable, but women all over the world are coming forward to say it: I regret having my children.”
Leaving aside the particulars of the “trend piece” claim—which is not the kind that can be verified, and the verification of which does not matter—I want to consider why this claim is controversial and upsetting. If it is true, what does this mean? What do we, as a culture, lose? What demands are made of us?
The first to go is the conviction, founded on rigid gender norms, that all women are naturally suited to be mothers. This is threatening because it strikes deeply at the heart of many people’s beliefs about human nature. But perhaps even more importantly, a great deal of our institutions are organized around the assumption that women are innately drawn to and inherently skilled at mothering, and so they can do so with almost no support from their partners, their workplaces, or their communities.
If all women do not find mothering, under any circumstances whatsoever without exception, to be completely fulfilling, then the work of mothering will have to be recognized, supported, and valued. We will need institutions and domestic arrangements that distribute the work of child-rearing—which is, indeed, shockingly demanding—more widely, so that mothers need no longer be martyrs to the needs of their children.
The idealized image of the suburban nuclear family, isolated and self-sufficient, will be on the chopping block. It is only in community—of their spouses, of their extended family, of their neighbors and friends and colleagues—that mothers can lead balanced, fulfilling lives.
So, too, the 40-hour work week (which itself is an underestimate for many women, low-wage and salaried alike). Lack of universal, adequate parental leave? Gone. Substandard, scarce, and ruinously costly day care? Also a thing of the past.
So regret away, mothers. Speak up. Stoke your guilt to anger and let the flames lick the rafters. You have been wronged, and the world must change.